I seem to have a fear, or a great distaste for being alone. I have struggled with this all my life. I don't LIKE being by myself! I have friends who cherish their alone time, but that is not me. While I have read studies that report that extroverted people like myself get their energy from other people and NEED to be around others to be at their best, I have come to realize that this may not just be a personality trait...this might be one of my biggest character flaws.
In the past week, I have been recuperating from a minor surgery. For the first few days, my husband and daughter sat with me and kept an eye on me, especially while I was hopped up on pain meds. From the stories they tell, I have a feeling that I was great entertainment for them during this time. Then, after a few days were over and I was doing better, they left me to rest and heal on my own as they got back to their busy lives. There were a couple of times I wanted to get up and grab their legs and cry "Don't leave me!" But, my body wasn't able to do that, and it wouldn't have been dignified. So, I read, watched movies, watched TV and moped. I'll admit to a few crying spells...there was obviously still pain medication in my system, right?
Feeling better last night, I went to a prayer and healing service, recently entitled The Well, at my church. It was a wonderful time of amazing worship music, prayer, testimonies and fellowship with some of my dear church family members. I am very glad I went. While I prayed for continued healing for my body, I also prayed for emotional healing. There is something broken in me when I have this irrational fear and dislike for being alone.
One of my favorite Bible verses has always been Joshua 1:9 -- "Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Well, one of today's verses in my daily devotional was a very similar verse from Deuteronomy that I began this post with. Why is it so hard for me to remember that I am NEVER alone! God is with me wherever I go, whatever I do and however I am feeling. Even when I can't feel Him, He is there. Even if everyone I loved on this earth was gone, I would NOT be alone.
How do I keep this in the front of my mind when I am having my own little pity party about being alone? In the past, I have tried fixing this problem on my own. I filled my time with so many activities and duties there was no time to feel lonely. After all, if I didn't want to be alone, I should be with other people right? Well, the sentiment is right, but the motivation is wrong. When I fill my calendar with things that I HAVE to do, even if they are good and noble things, I am not serving others out of the goodness of my heart. I am serving to fill a void in my heart, and that kind of serving can only lead to resentment, exhaustion and burn out. I have experienced that feeling several times...you would think that I would learn.
One of the people that gave a testimony last night spoke about how sometimes there is something broken in us that we haven't let heal correctly. We have tried to heal that brokenness on own own instead of letting God heal us the way we NEED healed. Because of that, we need to allow God to "re-break" us and heal us in His way. I am praying for that "re-breaking" today. Anytime you know that you are going to have something broken in you, you know it's going to hurt and you dread it. However, today I look forward to God breaking and healing what is broken in me that fears being alone.
Dear Loving Father,
I know that you see in me what needs to be healed. You know exactly what I need to lose my fear and bask in the knowledge of your presence with me at ALL times, especially when I am alone. I ask that today you "re-break" the brokenness inside me and lead me to total healing. I also know that you know my personality better than I know myself. I ask that you help me to schedule my time to serve you from the bottom of my heart and for the right reasons. Fill my days with times of personal time with you, as well as time to mix with other people in my life who feed my need for personal interaction. I thank you for the insight into my own soul so I can ask you for this healing that I didn't even realize that I needed. You are truly a good God...one who fills all my needs! In your awesome name I pray. Amen.
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